


You can't lose me

by blossom_angel85



Series: Winds of Change Series. [7]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Betrayal, Heartbreak, Loss, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Moving On, Pain, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:17:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blossom_angel85/pseuds/blossom_angel85
Summary: After their mother died for real,  Mary reflects on the moment she found out her mother was actually still alive and back on the island.
Series: Winds of Change Series. [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1634602
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	You can't lose me

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————  
19th November 2012

“I don’t know how to tell you this any other way Mare, Mom’s alive”.

The moment Steve told Mary about their mother being alive, she didn’t want to believe it.. Her mind was a mess, and her heart racing.. Their mother was alive and well and here on the island? After all these years, she never once tried to get in contact with them, either of them.. Steve had looked just as shocked as she was when he told her, even though he had time to get used to the idea. 

Standing in the middle of the airport, near the luggage carousel, she fell apart, forgetting for a moment that Morty was even still there.. This was something she couldn’t comprehend.. Her mother died, they had her funeral, they said their goodbyes. It was one reason why she couldn’t be at her father’s funeral because of the pain being at their mothers had caused her. 

“No, Steve I can’t, I don’t understand.. how can she be alive?” Her forehead crinkled a little as she struggled to take this news in.. Her mind was filled with questions, questions she wanted answers to.. Her facial expressions began to crease up, the tears welling in her eyes, and Steve instinctively wrapped his arms around her tight, “It’s a really long story Mare, why don’t we go grab something to eat at Kamekona , I hope Morty is not allergic to shrimp and I’ll tell you everything okay”. 

She sighed, took a breath and held onto him a bit longer before letting go, and nodded.. “Now I know why you couldn’t tell me over the phone”. She managed to muster up a small smile and sighed again, wiping away her tears.. Though Morty couldn’t hear the conversation being that he had taken out his hearing aid, he could sense that something was not right the way that Steve’s face had seemed so serious when he was talking and how he held onto his sister. 

He liked her brother, he was smart and very much a Sailor like Mary had described him to be and all of the emotions he had over losing his own sister several years earlier came back to him..

He felt rather then heard Mary place the hearing aid back in his hand, and she attempted a smile towards him, not saying a word but saying she would explain everything to him later on. “Let’s go Morty, my brother is taking us to lunch, you aren’t allergic to shrimp at all?”, she asked him once he had put the hearing aid back in his ear. His face lit up, and he smiled, “No, I’m not at all, In fact I love shrimp”. 

Steve smiled at that, taking Mary’s bags so she could wheel Morty in the chair, “well then let’s go Morty, you are in for a treat”. His heart was reeling internally at how Mary was taking the news, he knew it was why he had chosen to tell her in person, he had spoken at length with Cath over that, and they both agreed that it was better told this way.. It might hurt Steve to see that look and to see her crying, and in pain, but at least he could be there for her to help pick up the pieces, rather then leaving her to deal with it all alone in Los Angeles. 

On the outside, he was stoic as ever, and trying his best to remain composed and calm.. Doris wanted to see Mary, and he could understand that, yet he could also understand if Mary didn’t want to see her… It wasn’t like giving causal news to someone, this was life changing news, 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Sitting down at the table, having ordered some food for the three of them, Steve was feeling a little nervous.. His sister hadn’t really spoken much in the car ride, and that for her was cause for alarm since normally he couldn’t get her to quit talking. Kamekona who though Steve had not told why Mary was here knew about his mother being alive and sensed that was why Mary was on the island took the initiation, “How about I take your friend here for a walk around while your food is being prepared, I’m Kamekona, the proprietor of this establishment”. 

He introduced himself to the man who was sitting in his wheelchair at the edge of the picnic table, “I’m Morty and what a wonderful little place you got here, I hear the food is wonderful”, Kamekona began to wheel Morty away in the chair and their voices got more faint the further they moved away from the table, leaving Mary and Steve alone to talk, Mary fiddling with the coconut water she had ordered. 

“So, you said it was a long story, so start talking”. Her eyes were fill on her drink, not wanting to look her brother in the eye.. She wasn’t angry at him, she was angry at her mother, and extremely hurt.. They both had Mommy and Daddy issues, and now so, it seemed that this was bringing it all to the forefront once more. 

“Well, truth is Mary.. and you probably guessed it by now.. She faked her death”. 

It took a while for Steve to get the whole thing out, but he told her everything.. the fact that before she met their father, she was a CIA agent and that she when she met their father, she decided she wanted to settle down and have a family, but then it got to a point where she was worried about her families safety based on things she had done in the CIA, and decided to fake her death so that John, Steve and Mary remained safe. 

“I still don’t understand why she never told us, why she never tried to find us.. If she is a CIA agent, then she probably knows how to find us.. why now?”, for Mary, not having a mother or a father in her life, for much of her life was detrimental to her.. Mary was ten when she lost her mother, and Steve around fifteen, so much of her formative years growing up, becoming a teenager, it was all done without a mother. 

Her Aunt Deb did what she could to be a mother figure to the young girl who was scared and sad about losing her mother and then being shipped off to her Aunt in Los Angeles while her brother was shipped off to Military school. “I don’t know Mare, Mom still hasn’t answered that question for me either yet.. Joe knew.. he is the one that hid it as well all these years but also the one that finally reunited me with her because he knew I wouldn’t stop looking into her death”. 

“Uncle Joe knew?.. You kick his ass?”, While Mary hadn’t spend anywhere near as much time with Joe as Steve had over the years, she still loved him like an Uncle and he still did check in on her every now and then, sometimes she wasn’t even aware because he checked in with Deb and asked Deb about how she was going, adjusting to things. He helped her out of her first arrest, the same as he did with Steve as well, even though she never knew that.. 

He chuckled at that, “No… You know Joe.. I might hate what he did, keeping it from us and even Dad all these years, but he is as loyal as they come and that, that proves it”. As much as he was angry at Joe for not telling him, and now it all made sense that he was stalling the investigation with that audio, he could understand why as well. 

Seeing that Kamekona was slowly walking back with Morty and their food was about to come to the table, he sighed and took her hand, squeezing, “She wants to see you Mare”. Mary had by this point, feeling her brother’s reassuring hand on hers, squeezed back, the tears evident in her eyes.. “I don’t know if I can Steve”. 

Nodding his head, all he could do was try, and he wasn’t going to push her this time.. He knew when he had to tell her this news, she wasn’t going to take it well. He still had mixed feelings himself about it all and whilst he wanted to believe in his Mom now and trust her, he still did have doubts about her intentions. “Okay, I’m not gonna push you okay.. You are here for a week or so are you not?”, he asked curiously, raising his eyebrows and Mary nodded in confirmation, “Well you and Morty enjoy the island, have a think about things, maybe Kono and Cath can take you on a girls night out, and Danny, Chin and I can take care of Morty and if you change your mind, you let me know Okay”. 

She appreciated that Steve was not pushing or forcing her to go see their mother, it was a decision she had to make on her own, and that is when she realised that her relationship with her brother was getting stronger because he wasn’t telling her what to do now, he was letting her make her own decision when it came to this. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

After lunch she had found herself down at the cemetery, taking to her father.. She had briefly mentioned what happened as she drove to Morty, but hadn’t offered too many details at this point.. She wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about it, she just felt a huge need to be at the cemetery to talk to her Dad. She regretted having never going home before he was killed.. 

Sure, he had made the odd occasional trip to Los Angeles to visit his daughter and sister but not often enough and Deb had been told not to send her back to the island even for visits because John had believed the island to be unsafe for the kids. 

Sitting at the cemetery, she was in a lot of pain, and was missing her father a lot.. talking to him even if he couldn’t talk back seemed to ease her pain a little and gave her a little bit of comfort. She was unaware that her mother had decided against taking Steve’s advice to look for her and tracked her down at the cemetery, though had thought twice about going over when she saw her daughter talking to her father.. 

Losing one parent was bad enough, but thinking you had lost both, and then realising that it was all a lie, it was a betrayal she wasn’t sure she could ever get passed.. Not only was she angry at her mother for not being there for her, but she remembered the time when she saw her father crying in his bedroom.. 

It made her even more angry at her mother for not only abandoning her children but abandoning their father.. Seeing your father cry, it was a heartbreaking experience and even as a little girl of only ten, she had wanted to crawl into his arms and make it all better. Instead she had tiptoed into Steve’s bedroom after grabbing her own blanket from her bedroom, and had fallen asleep on the floor, crying herself to sleep. 

Steve had woken in the middle of the night, and had carefully transferred her into his bed with him, cuddling her and keeping her warm and feeling safe, and she never forgot that moment, even years later, the feel of his arms picking her up and carrying her onto his bed, she felt safe and loved.. 

Their whole world changed that day.. If her mother hadn’t faked her death, her and Steve would still have been on the island, and they could have carried on being a happy family.. She could have had a better relationship with her father, and been closer to her brother.. She blamed her mother for robbing them of all that.. How could she be so selfish? She knew in her mother’s eyes, it was to ‘keep them safe’, but in Mary’s eyes, it was a selfish move. Her father was a Detective, and a former Navy Lieutenant, he could have handled himself.. 

There were thousands of ways she could have done this better, hell, she could have been honest with her father, told him what was going on, and they all could have relocated together as a family.. She loved Hawaii and had a lot of friends but nothing was more important to her then her family.. Why did she have to do it? 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

The rest of the day, she had tried her best to keep her mind off her mother by showing Morty around the island that she still loved and still felt an attachment too.. It was hard because a lot of the places she took Morty was places their parents had taken them as kids, and it was painful to relieve memories that had been long forgotten but now were coming out of the woodwork, and bombarding her, not letting her escape. 

There was one thing that Morty had wanted to see before she took him back to the hotel where they were staying and that was the Hawaiian sunset on the beach. Taking care of Morty, her brother might have seen it as a trivial thing since he had said she couldn’t even take care of herself, but this was one of the most responsible jobs she had ever had. It was teaching her to be more responsible and even though he liked hitting on her, he often gave very sound advice as well. 

Standing there on the beach, her shoes off and in her bag for now so she didn’t get sand in them, the feel of the wet sand against the bottoms of her feet and in between her toes, she sighed softly, hanging onto the handle of the wheelchair like she wasn’t sure she could stand by herself, her heart was broken and in a million pieces.. It hurt more then she ever thought possible. 

Watching young families playing in the water, it reminded her of when her parents taught her how to swim in the ocean, the beach that was right in their backyard.. Blowing up a breath, she wasn’t sure what to do, she still didn’t want to go see her mother, and yet at the same time, she yearned for her mother’s arms to be wrapped around her as well, keeping her safe like she should have been doing since that day she left them. 

Steve had filled her in on everything, she knew about this criminal mastermind by the name of Wo Fat, knew that it was him that had ordered Victor Hesse to kill their father, and knew that their mother had killed Wo Fat’s father and that was why he had gone to all the trouble he had, he wanted to kill the person whom had killed his own father… What she still didn’t understand was, why did her mother have to go to the lengths she went to in order to keep her family safe? 

Her talk with Morty really opened up things for her, she still was hesitant to go and see her mother, but hearing his story, and how he had regrets, it did make her pause a little, and wonder if maybe her mother did regret what she had done.. Still, she was unsure, couldn’t her mother have come out of hiding before now? It only seemed to be Joe was the one who helped to unravel things for Steve because he knew Steve wouldn’t stop digging like their father wouldn’t. 

When he said for her to put away her anger and to go see her, that she only had one family, she knew that was true.. As angry as she was, a part of her did just want to feel her mother’s arms around her once more.. She didn’t want to feel regret, if her mother was in the service still, she didn’t want to hear about her death and wondered what could have happened if she had given her another chance. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Later that evening, after having dinner with Morty and getting him into bed in the two bed hotel room they were staying in, she decided to finally go and see her mother.. She was still a little nervous, she hadn’t seen her mother since she had dropped her off for school that morning she had died and so she was apprehensive about it.. She had called Steve to make sure their mother was home, and to let him know she was on her way over but gave him strict instructions to not tell Doris.

After she stopped the car in the driveway, she sat there for a few moments, taking in a few deep breaths.. She was second guessing herself, and wondering if she shouldn’t just turn away and go back to the hotel.. Steve seemed to realise she hadn’t knocked on the door yet after hearing the car turn off, and so he texted her, 

Text received from Steve - 8:30pm   
You got this Sis, I love you 

She smiled when she read that message.. He seemed to know her so well, and it made her a little less nervous knowing that Steve had already gone through this but had been blindsided by it all. He hadn’t known she was alive till he knocked on that door in Japan where she had been living. Taking one last breath in, she opened the car door and closed It, smoothing out her dress before she walked up the pathway. 

Knowing that Steve knew she was there, he would be sure to make himself scarce and to let their mother open the door.. As she knocked on the door, she was a mess, her tears already starting to fall down her face, biting her thumb nervously like she used to do as a kid, the nervous energy in her stomach making her feel physically ill. 

The moment the door open, and she looked up at her mother, all her fears had left her, the anger was still there a little, but seeing her mother had tears in her eyes and looked as though she had been crying for hours gave her some hope that her mother did perhaps regret how she had done things all those years ago. 

“Mom”, came the small whimper from her lips, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with her tears.. When Doris walked closer to her and took her daughter in her arms, they both completely broke down, crying, the only words Mary could say was “Why”, over and over again.. Her arms wrapping around her mother tight like she thought she would disappear on her once more.. The night air was cool, and yet neither bothered step back inside, just needing to know the feel of the other once more, and all of a sudden, she felt safe once more in her mother’s arms. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Seven years later  
December 2019

Steve chuckled softly, he had asked her a question and she had been in her own little world, apparently not even hearing a word he had said to her, “Earth to Mary, come in Mary”.. Catherine couldn’t help but smack his arm playfully and her smirked at her, before Kissing her lips softly. 

“What?”, Mary had been day dreaming and in her own world.. She had been thinking about when she first reunited with her mother seven years ago, and how during that time, she might not have seen her a lot, but she had more contact with her over the last seven years then she had in a long time. 

“I was just saying that tomorrow when Joanie gets back from her sleep over at Danny and Charlie’s, we could maybe put the Christmas tree up if that is okay?” He asked the question again, now that she was listening to him. 

She nodded her head and smiled, taking a sip of the wine she was drinking, loving how comfortable Steve and Catherine looked snuggling up together on one chair as they sat on the patio having a few drinks after dinner. “Yeah, sure, sounds great, maybe we can get Charlie to help as well”. 

He could sense she had gone somewhere in her mind, probably thinking about their mother.. He had done that on occasion as well, “You okay Sis?”, he asked her, putting his beer down on the table, ready to have a serious conversation with her if needed.. 

“I’m fine Steve.. I was just thinking about how when you told me about Mom being alive, and how it was Morty.. you remember Morty don’t you?”, she asked him smirking knowing he did.. “Yeah, he was the one that grabbed your behind at the airport, I remember him.. what about him though?”

She sighed softly, looking up at him.. “It was him that convinced me to go see Mom.. He told me about how he had a daughter that he fell out with over a guy she was seeing and then one day he got a call to say a drunk driver had ran into her car, and he lost the chance to mend things with her”. 

Steve took his beer and sipped it, swallowing before he answered, “Wow, I had no idea about that.. I knew you would have come around eventually, but I am glad he was able to show you the way a bit quicker.” She smiled softly and nodded, sipping on her wine again, “I’m glad as well.. I really don’t know if I would have been able to do it without his advice, and I know I would have regretted it if I hadn’t made that first step.. Joanie got to see her grandmother and Mom got to be able to see how her adult children turned out”. She sighed softly before continuing on. 

It’s hard.. I know we didn’t spend a lot of Christmas’s with her after she ‘died’”, she made quite signs, “but this one feels really hard, our first one knowing we don’t have the option or choice of not having her involved.. Joanie and I used to hang a stockings up each year, seven of them.. Momma, Joanie, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Steve, Aunt Cath and Aunt Deb, just as a symbol.. It will be hard to see her name there this year knowing she really isn’t here anymore”. 

Steve leant over and took her hand, squeezing.. “I know Mare, but honestly, I think we have made their Christmas wish come true, I am sure her and Dad will be looking down and loving the fact they are seeing us as a family spending Christmas here again in the McGarrett home”. Nodding her head, she squeezed his hand back, tears threatening to fall from her face, “I am sure they will be bro”. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: 
> 
> I want to start by saying, thank you for all the amazing words and support on Perfect. I really appreciate it, it makes my day when I see so many wonderful comments about how you are loving the story. This one is a one shot, nothing more, nothing less. It won’t be multiple chapter, it is complete now.. I just wanted to go back and view this from Mary’s POV, the episode in which she learns from Steve that her mother is alive.. We never really saw the actual conversation, and whilst I didn’t get dialogue heavy in that particular scene when he was telling her what happened, I wanted it to be more about her emotions and she took it all in as opposed to what was actually said to her. I haven’t seen many Mary centric stories and so I felt she really deserves this one. I hope you all enjoy. Part of the Winds of change/One for sorrow verse.


End file.
